Posted on by Healing Balm Cafe

Should women pursue men? 

Upon having a discussion with a friend this past week, the conversation delved in to the proverbial:Should women pursue men? topic. My friend an advocate, me an adversary. After exchanging opinions back and forth, I decided I needed to research this topic a bit more from a Biblical standpoint and ascertain what God’s word says about it.  


Mark 10:6

But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’

When we start from the very beginning of creation, we discern that God first created male then female; hence the order, Adam–then Eve. Next, let’s go on to Christian courting. I don’t say dating because I do not believe Christians should date multiple people at one time, but if he or she meets a godly prospect, the two should begin the process of getting to know each other for the purpose of marriage. 

Genesis 2: 22,24

And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Beloved, you will notice that most every Bible verse pertaining to man and woman, almost always LEAD with ‘the man.’ Moreover, as we examine the above verse in Gen 2, it firmly establishes the fact that God “brought the woman to the man.” It did not say that the woman went looking for the man or the woman had to find the man. Therefore, it backs up my theory that a woman shouldn’t go looking for a man, but God will put her in a situation, without her own effort, to meet her husband.  

A perfect story is that of Ruth and Boaz. Ruth was Naomi’s daughter-in- law. Because Naomi’s husband and sons were killed, Ruth left Moab with Naomi to return to Judah. Boaz a relative of Naomi, owned a barley field in which Ruth worked. Boaz quickly noticed Ruth and inquired about her. For he was greatly smitten by Ruth, and ensured that she was safe,  protected and well taken care of. By the story’s end, Boaz bought Naomi’s land and along with it, won Ruth’s affection. 

So Boaz took Ruth, and she became his wife. And he went in to her, and the LORD gave her conception, and she bore a son. Ruth 4:13

Ruth was not only put in the position to meet her future husband, but also to become heir to the lineage of Christ. 

And the women of the neighborhood gave him a name, saying, “A son has been born to Naomi.” They named him Obed. He was the father of Jesse, the father of David. Ruth 4:17 ESV.

Continuing, if a woman persues a man, she will never know if the man initially desired her, was initially attracted to her or would have chosen her; or if she’s just an option until he finds the woman of his dreams. In the above context, one can clearly deduce Ruth was Boaz’s dream woman. Not only was he mystified by her beauty, he also negotiated with the elders of the city to buy her mother-in-law’s land, and in turn won her love! He fought for her! I believe a woman devalues herself when she’s the pursuer of the relationship. I’m not talking about merely striking up a conversation with a gentleman if you happen to be in the same space, or letting a man know that you are interested, but more so I’m talking about women who are constantly calling, texting, nagging, stalking and pressuring male suitors into a relationship. What you are saying is, ‘I am desperate!’ Men can smell loneliness, desperation, and low-self esteem a mile away! 

This mode of thinking is shifting the natural order of relations between men and women that God divinely created; this in turn is reversing God’s laws. And, it is slowly weakening the male/female dynamic. Women are teaching men to be passive as opposed to being the aggressor, the hunter God created them to be. The male/female roles are slowly shifting, women are asking men out on dates, buying dinner, buying gifts and financially supporting men. In turn, this is creating a devaluing of the woman’s worth; her femininity, her mystery, her desirability, not to mention her bank account! Additionally, this behavior is deprogramming our young daughters to not have any self-worth or self-respect. It is teaching them to devalue themselves by persuing men as opposed to being persued; as opposed to knowing their value and worth, that when the right man does come along it will be an organic relationship where both parties want a mutually loving, respectful union, and not that of an unbalanced one where the woman is the one striving, suffering to maintain a man’s affections. 


Women need to be whole in themselves before looking for a man. How do you do that? By learning how to love God infinitely first, only then will you know how to truly love yourself; and most importantly, know what true love is. With so much love for herself, she will know that a true lady exudes confidence, allowing men to take notice of her. And, if the one she has her sights set on doesn’t acknowledge her, she has enough self-worth to know that this guy is not worth her valuable and precious time. More, that he doesn’t know the price of a masterpiece. Therefore, she stays high on her mantle, knowing that the right man will come along and know that this one is different, precious, rare; different from all the others, a true beauty and too costly to lose! This is what will constitute a long-lasting passionate marriage. 

Proverbs 18:32 says,

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.

The way you start a relationship is the way it will end. Why start off soliciting a man and when he finds exactly the type of woman he’s looking for, dumpsf you. Christian or not, no one appreciates what comes too easily. Remember when you asked God for something and it wasn’t until years, maybe decades later before you got it, and the gratitude and appreciation you had for it?

The following are tell-tale signs that you are not whole:

1. Every time you go to social events, you scan the room for men, and  strategically try to put yourself in a man’s line of view or direct path.

2. You cannot enjoy time with friends, family without stating your desire to be married. 

3. You are jealous of other couples, or is overly critical of a man’s girlfriend/spouse.

4. Get depressed, cry a lot, critical of being single. 

5. Struggle with lust, masturbation, fornication. 

6. Thinks everything is a sign that you should be married: events, newspaper advertisements, passing by baby clothing or bridal stores by happenstance.  

7. Thinks that a man is the missing piece to your life. You haven’t finished school, established a career, are habitually unemployed, are an adult living at home with parents. Have no goals, ambition, or drive. 

8. Always giving examples of women who chased men and married them. 

9. If you have to have a man all the time, it means you don’t like being with yourself. 

10. If you don’t like being with yourself, nobody else will!


Whatever we think on, dwell on, will eventually surface. As a Christian woman you have to be very careful in selecting a mate because what shows up may not be from God. You may end up getting used, disrespected or taken advantage of. 

A woman who is truly whole looks like this:

She wakes up every morning, happy, content, and can’t wait to start her day. She is thriving in her career as well as her personal life. She is happy and always smiling. Her life is full and complete. She stays busy working in ministry, volunteering, making sure her children, family are well taken care of. She is strong in her faith. She helps out others wherever there’s a need. Her life is full and has value. She barely has time for herself. She encourages and uplifts others. It’s not  about her, but loving the souls around her. She never complains. She always puts herself last: last to leave work, last to be served, last to eat dinner. She’s a giver; a giver of advice, time, love, money and hugs. Others wonder in amazement of her endless energy and inner beauty. She gets up the next day and does it all over again. 

Women, are you whole?

-Puja Nagual      


6 Replies to “Should women pursue men? ”

  1. I too believe that a woman should not chase a guy, if he really is interested he will attempt to communicate with you. I have come across some men that are to die for, but it was all visual or lust because it never went anywhere. I felt like they didn’t persue me as I would have liked and they didn’t measure up to my standards. Deuces! It is true, times have changed and we live in a more feminist world, where women are doing what they want for themselves and actually going after what they think they need. In our society today, if you have a traditional family at home you are thought to be different. Some choose to live life the traditional way and some women choose to live life the modern way. I think everyone has their own personal choice, however for me, I don’t chase no one! Everyone that I have ever went out with has pursued me in one way or the other, and I will not change it. Sometime ago I was dating this guy whom pursued me. I felt like he had the perfect package: educated, stable job, planned on buying a new home, wanted children, and to top it all off, he was the perfect piece of man candy any girl can ask for! However, just like the above comment I think I made myself readily available and was down for anything! But he didn’t fulfill my desire for more quality time; the phone calls were scarce, but the text messages kept coming. While still trying to be a traditional girl living in a modern world, I finally told him I hate texting and if he wants me to go out with him he is going to have to do it the proper way: pick the phone up and call!!! In the midst of it all I met another guy and I started dating him (he believes you should only date one man at a time). The first guy wasn’t fulfilling my desires so I moved on. Now here we have two guys; guy No.2 for our first date asked me to go to Brazil😄, I said what?!? Then I said Yes. Because our schedules conflicted, we ended up later going to Puerto Rico. And, he paid for every thing like a gentleman! As much as I was lusting after guy No.1, he didn’t have the best qualities. Guy No.2 called me, he opened the doors for me, he took me to dinner and he was well spoken. He was everything I thought the first guy would have been. I was interested in guy No.2 for a while, but because I never pursued him I didn’t know he was interested in me also, but when We finally got together, it became very apparent that this is the guy I would end up with. I needed someone not only to pursue me but to love me more than I loved them just so I know it’s real. I’m glad I didn’t sell myself short by trying to establish something with guy No.1 when guy No.2 was heaven sent. I remember praying so hard for GOD to bless me with an Angel. Now I feel like he has!

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  3. I’m a firm believer that a woman shouldn’t pursue a man. So I agree 100%! For starters, men are hunters! They like the chase and the mystery of a woman while doing so. If a woman puts herself in a position that makes her seem “easy,” the man is not going to find value in this woman. As a woman, I’m always told men are hunters and like the chase and if you show interest in a man first, he becomes disinterested and chasing you is no longer a challenge. But this is where it gets tricky…you don’t want to give in too easily, but then again you don’t want to come off as playing the “hard to get” game as well. It just has to come off naturally. Things like ignoring texts or responding hours later, and not showing much interest may turn a guy away. It has to be a mutual connection without you being the initiator. For example say you’ve been seeing a guy for about 3 weeks now, and every day for the past 3 weeks he’s the one that’s been texting you first, calling you first, but hasn’t set up a date as to when you will be seeing each other next. Us being women and knowing in our minds that a date should be set soon and of course you want to see this guy and hang out instead of just text messaging and calling, we shouldn’t take it upon ourselves to say, “hey what are you doing next Saturday, lets hang out” We should just go with the flow and play it cool. If he really is interested in you, he will make the call and ask you out on date. You made a valid point Puja when you stated that if a woman is the one pursing how would the woman even know if the guy is really interested in her in the first place. You don’t have to come off as needy, lonely, or desperate. Men love confident women; a woman that can hold her own and doesn’t depend on a man for her happiness. The only way a woman can become all those things and more is to first, find her first love and that is God! God will give you that confidence and security you need. Once you find true happiness within yourself, only then will you be able to love another with the love that God has given you.

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    1. Hi Jas 321!

      Firstly, thanks for visiting! You have raised very strong and valid points! My aim in writing this post was to get the dialogue going and to see what side women, as well as men stand on this issue. I’ve been accused of being too traditional in my view points!😊 Hopefully we all can learn something here! I appreciate your comment!

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